Like the majority of the population, I make new years resolutions every year, and like most, they are failed or forgotten about by mid January. So, this year I am ignoring the usual sea of promises to eat less and exercise more, and have made one simple resolution.
As least I call it simple. In fact, it is anything but.
2013 made me the happiest person in the world by gifting my husband and I with our first child. Our beautiful and clever girl has changed both our lives. However, having previously suffered with the unattractive problem depression, I now find myself battling it’s even less attractive sister, post natal depression. As the world gave with one hand, it well and truly slapped me round the face with the other. PND carries with it a huge stigma, with the incorrect assumption that the mother doesn’t love their child, or that the mother doesn’t bond with the baby. In my case this really could not be more wrong. My daughter is my world, she has already become my best friend. For me, the depression stems from anxiety. Anxiety that I will not be the perfect mother she needs and deserves me to be, anxiety that something may happen. And above all, guilt. As the main breadwinner of the family I will be returning to work when my daughter is 10 days short of 6 months old. This separation terrifies me.
However, I digress, I will write more on my PND and how I have coped/continue to cope with it, as the blog progresses, but for now, back to the resolution.
Be happy. A woman of lists and plans I have broken this resolution into steps.
Count my blessings
- Remember those that matter
- Unclutter my life, (including my brain and my to do list!)
- Be a better wife
- Ask for help
- Stop comparing myself to others
- Give everything I do my full attention
- Don’t obsess
- Cut down on facebook
My seemingly impossible resolution has already become a whole lot harder. But I am determined.
Cutting down on facebook may seem like an odd one to many, to those who unlike me do not find themselves mindlessly checking facebook on their phone at least 30 times a day, even in the middle of conversations with people they genuinely find interesting. Sadly, I am one of those obsessed few, (see penultimate point above) I found myself changing my status an irritating 3 times a day, and adding photos just as often. Without noticing Facebook has somehow become my means of validation. People I otherwise wouldn’t think twice about not only get to comment on my life- they get to choose to ignore me to- and for some reason I don’t yet understand- this bothers me. So, at midnight last night, (well actually just after while I was breastfeeding baby – another topic you can expect more posts on) I deleted facebook from my phone. Eeeek! Before 9 am I had turned on my phone no less than 14 times to check facebook, only to remember it had gone. So far, 2014 has been facebook free, (yes I realise it’s only 1st Jan!) I am sure I will end up back there, but I like to think that I will be able to self moderate my usage after a period of cold turkey. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Be happy. Day 1. So far so good…