I promised to write more about my battle with PND. (not sure who I made the promise to as I don’t know if anyone is actually reading this, but anyway…)
I attribute my pnd (I like to use lower case to give it less power) to a variety of things.
– I have a predisposition to low mood, anxiety and depression. (lucky me)
– we moved house when baby was only 6 weeks old.
– labour was nothing like I planned. (although having now done it I am astounded if it ever is)
– my daughter had an 80% tongue tie which made beasfeeding very painful until it was cut when she was 10 days old. I therefore avoided any contact which may make her want to feed more than necessary. (although the term necessary doesn’t really work here as all feeding is necessary in those first few days- I’ve since become a breastfeeding addict so you can expect many a post on this)
– I have to go back to work too early.
So, all these things combined knocked me for six.
I liken depression to a dementor. Once it’s got you it sucks out all the happiness. It even has the ability to muddy happy memories. I just couldn’t understand it. There I was in a brand new house married to the man of my dreams and holding my perfect daughter. In short, I had everything I had ever wanted. So why was I spending morning after morning in tears? Where was my happiness going? It was like I could actually see it leave me in those long black whisps.
I asked for help and have now been taking medication for 10 weeks. This had an immediate effect. Which proves the chemical element of this particular depression. Alongside this I have also just started a course of computerised CBT. Each session ends with a tip. Today I was told-
“You don’t drown from falling in water. You drown from staying there.”
This really resonates. This is the year I reclaim my happiness. Others can help, but only I can take it and make it mine. So, eat that dementor curing chocolate, (something I am genuinely happy to do!), get out the water and be happy.
Day 2, still going well. (and still no Facebook)