We find the defendant GUILTY.

My return to work is no longer sneaking up on me, it is hurtling towards me at full throttle. But rather than finding myself more anxious and upset I find I have an eerie calmness. Could it be that I am actually looking forward to it? Being a teacher it’s definitely not the thought of regular adult conversation that draws me in. Nor is it the marking and the planning. But I am actually good at my job- and I remember that sense of achievement. The insecure mother and bad wife is a confident and competent teacher. In work I regularly get the validation I so desperately seek in my personal life.

Does this change of mood make me an even worse mother? In the world of maternity leave Friday is NCT coffee day, (thankfully I’m parttime so this will continue). Discussions today included the usual returning to work chatter.  While some mums say that even June seems too soon, others joke that they wish they were back already.  Does my new found calmness make me less of a mother than those who dread the return? Of course the insecure mother says yes.

I am in the unusual position of earning more that my husband. (isn’t it sad that in this day and age this is still unusual?). This means that as much as I cry and dread it, I must return to work. I can accept this and get on, or I can cry and feel guilty. In reality I am doing both.

Guilt features highly in my life. If I were to write a list of my daily activities by time spent then feeling guilty would be somewhere at the top, along with feeling jealous and seeking attention.

Reasons I feel guilty today;
– I have 2 days left before returing to work and spent the morning planning lessons.

– I didn’t complete the list of planning I had set out to.

– I am a less than perfect wife. (this deserves a whole post so can wait until another day!)

– I interrupted someone in conversation.

– I did not ask enough questions or show enough interest in people today. (despite being genuinely interested)

– I ate an entire bag of peppermint creams on the way home from coffee, (where I also ate 2 donuts, a yumyum and countless biscuits), then hid the evidence, (lazily in the car door) from my husband.

However, day 3 and still no Facebook!

Despite the above, today was another good day. I’ve said before I am a woman of lists, so to counteract my guilt list I’ll look at point one of my new years resolution action plan. Count my blessings.  Here are today;

– Good friends, (team NCT has give me more of a social life than I have ever had before!)

– A lovely excited phone call from my sister about having seen Rachel Stevens from S Club 7 near to where she and her boyfriend are flat hunting.

– A yummy dinner and lunch from my hubby.

-A house that remains relatively tidy despite me living here.

-The most views on this blog so far.

Tomorrow is another day- and who knows how I will feel then, but for now, I am OK.

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