Isn’t it funny how things replace others so quickly? On January 1st I wrote about my use of Facebook for validation. Here I am on the 5th, having not used Facebook since 2013, but having checked views and visitors to this blog numerous times today.
The thrill of 37 visits and 147 views (a drop in the ocean for you “proper” bloggers) has had a funny effect on me. More interesting is my reaction to my blog being shared on Facebook, (42 of my views coming from there.) Now, I did tell a select few of trusted friends about this blog, as despite my wish to stay anonymous I also want people to read it! I had asked trusted friends to give me the occasional Facebook share to “get me started”. Having not visited Facebook this year, and not knowing which friend it was, (assuming it was a friend) I now find myself feeling ridiculously paranoid. Does the share come with the caption, Check out this looser, or perhaps My God this girl is self obsessed, or possibly even She is a bad mother if you ask me. Worse still, perhaps everyone now knows who I am and my wall is riddled with criticism.
These paranoid feelings, (although I maintain that it’s not paranoia if it’s true!) bring with them more guilt. Why would I think myself so important as to have people discussing my words? I’m really not that interesting.
Paranoia is certainly a recurrant feeling in my life. In the past, I have been convinced that any secret is one about me, that everyone is talking behind my back, that the ignored text or Facebook message was a deliberate choice rather than just an oversight. My NCT group communicate through whatsapp, and I have even found myself convinced of the existence of a group called NCT girls minus insecuremother. My very wise father has always said “Just because you are paranoid, doesn’t mean everyone is out to get you”, and I know he is right, but it doesn’t make the negative feelings go away. I must retrain my brain.
I return to work tomorrow after far too short a maternity leave. The anxiety this brings, is no doubt making my paranoia worse. But for now, if anyone could be kind enough as to indulge me, the odd like, or positive comment on this, (or maybe even a follow! 😉 ) will help put me back in the positive place I have been aiming for.
Gosh, I really am an attention seeker! This character trait is not one I am proud of, but one I feel powerless to change. (and one on my list to explore in future posts)
In the meantime, thank you to the sharer, and thank you to the readers. Happy Sunday night, and good luck with the week ahead.