Today is a bad day

…and I don’t really know why. The smallest things are making me feel awful. Resulting in tears, shakes and that horrible dry mouth and heart in head feeling.

It has been a busy year with some huge changes so I guess it is not too surprising that my PND has taken a downwards turn.

Today I feel like a failure. A failure in so many ways. Today I am focussing on the negative and finding the positive in myself very hard to see, with the positive in others drowning me.

Until today I had only cried once this year, today I have cried all day.

Today I visited Facebook again. I saw a comment from an individual which reminded me why I had stopped. This individual also has a new baby, and has chosen the polar opposite parenting route to me. This is her choice, and I respect that. Sadly, there are enough people who know us both to make comparisons possible. Sadder still, comparisons happen. These comparisons leave me feeling hurt and angry. Angry as comparisons also include my daughter. Of course, I inevitably make comparisons too.

Today I feel like a bad wife. I have failed my husband.

Today I feel like a bad mother. I have abandoned her by returning to work so soon.

Today we started weaning my daughter. She enjoyed her sweet potato, but I had so wanted to be able to say that I exclusively breasted her for sixth months, that starting 3 days early feels like I have let her down.

Today I feel fat.

Today I feel emotional about a friends new baby, saddened by the end of ny own babies first chapter and jealous of the excitement and newness of a newborn.

Today I feel guilty for feeling this way.

Tomorrow is another day.


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