“I’ve had a meltdown. No, I’m having a meltdown. My head hurts and my heart hurts. I feel sad and angry. I feel guilty and sick.”
I wrote the above two days ago and never finished my post. A really bad day. I still feel bad today, but it’s the weekend- time with my girl. That helps.
Now, this post will sound pathetic, and childish, and probably a little creepy. But I know what started the meltdown. I know exactly the moment it went from, rubbish day, to, I can’t cope anymore.
I saw a comment on Facebook! A comment from someone, to his girlfriend, calling her the best Mummy in the world. This caused the most monumental torrent of stuff in my head. If my thoughts had been audible they would have drowned out the crowd at a football match.
“They live together- why does Facebook need to know? How very staged.”
“My husband would never write that about me for everyone to see, people will forget about me, or think I’m a bad mum.”
“I am a good mum, especially carrying on breastfeeding through difficulties and returning to work.”
“She must have done something amazing- I’ve failed”
And the rest.
Last week I discovered http://livingintheblackstuff.wordpress.com/. Her post from10th Jan- made me smile. Someone else seems to get it. Thank you!
Still this situation made me want to grrr.
Grrrr. Anyway- I lost it. I became angry, sad and unable to stop crying. This then made me feel guilty for crying and pathetic for crying. I’ve been back at work 3 weeks now. I’ve missed huge steps in my daughters life and it breaks my heart that I am failing her this much.
I think it might be time for another Facebook cold turkey- how can I allow something so silly to dictate my mood and happiness?!
I’ve decided that the first week of every month will be Facebook free. I hope I can manage and get back on track with reclaiming my happiness.
This weekend we plan to move my daughter into her own room. I don’t want to. It’s going to be another tricky week- I’ll let you know how it goes. (if anyone is still reading after my many miserable and pathetic posts!)