To my daughter. Before you were created.

It’s 6am on a Saturday morning and here we are playing. And I couldn’t be happier. These are the moments when life is great.

Before you were created I slept when I wanted.

Now I sleep when you want. And I am fine with this. I feel sad for those who do not enjoy the early morning giggles and adventures. What better way to start the day than by sharing your achievements as I watch you continue to learn? Already sufficient in crawling, you now like to pull yourself up to standing, then turn and look at me with a smile. If you could speak I am sure I would hear “Look Mum, I can do it one handed.”

Before you were created I worried about clothes, shoes, work.

Now I worry about the world you will grow up in. I worry about the future, your future. I worry about your development, your happiness and the time I spend away from you. I worry that we need more money to provide you with all that you deserve.  I worry for those children who are not so fortunate. I want to change the world. I want everyone to feel my love. I want everyone to see your smiles and hear your laughs.

Before you were created I loved Supernanny.

Now she scares me. The discipline I once so admired now fills me with dread. Perhaps when you are older I will change my mind, but now, with a child who needs me, I am not interested in “training” you. I want to teach you love. I want you to learn that no matter what, I will be there to love and support you. If you cry I will comfort you, if the tears are anger or frustration I will help you to find words. If you lash out I will teach you with love. Teach you to reason and to explain. You will always know that I love you.

Before you were created I swore I would stop breastfeeding when “baby has teeth” or “can ask for it.”

How times change! Now we will stop when you are ready. Yesterday your first tooth made an appearance and I have no intention of stopping anytime soon. I have become the mother I once referred to as hippy  and crazy. You are thriving on my milk, our relationship is amazing and we both love breastfeeding. Why would we stop right now?

Before you were created it took less than an hour to leave the house.

Now, even at nearly 8 months, with a well rehearsed set up, leaving the house is a dance that always changes. You come first and are not yet able to understand time. Your hunger and needs do not work to our schedule. Your nappy will be changed, you will be fed, you will be cuddled and comforted. Your bag will be packed and repacked with everything you need. We will get out when you are ready.

Before you were created your Dad and I would spend time alone.

Now we spend time together, with you. Our love has grown beyond measure. He has seen me at my worst and at my best. I have seen a new person in him. We are stronger than ever before. We look forward to those moments alone with excitement. Tomorrow your aunt will enjoy time with you while Daddy and I go out, but we will miss you and be pleased to return to a unit of 3 on our return.

Before you were created I changed my clothes if they were dirty.

Now dirty has a scale. Sick is wiped up, snot is rubbed away. Now a small amount of milk or food is nothing. Poo is different and warrants a change, wee is decided by volume.

Before you were created there was a hole.

Something felt missing. Something felt incomplete. I had no purpose and no reason. I had a love to give that was beyond that of a wife, beyond that of sister, daughter, friend. Now my life has reason, my life has a purpose and I am whole.

Before you were created I dreamt of you.

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2 thoughts on “To my daughter. Before you were created.

  1. Pingback: Myth busting, (or why I told the Facebook world about my PND) | The Diary of an Insecure Mother

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