In fear of stopping

Doing nothing sounds like an easy achievement. But the ability to just be is one that we find increasingly hard in today’s world.

Am I the only person that is scared of doing nothing? Scared of stopping for fear of what will happen next?

I feel guilty all the time. All the time. When I am working I feel guilty not to be playing with my daughter. When I am playing with my daughter my work to do list is running over and over in the back of my mind. The idea of just sitting, doing neither of these things is an alarming one. Of course, I do, I’m doing so right now in fact. My daughter is asleep and my laptop is off.

But I have not stopped.

When was the last time you just sat? Not listening to music, chatting, reading, writing, working or watching TV? I can’t remember either.

Silence scares me. Instead I over stimulate. TV, phone, chatting and a magazine to the side are a standard for me. Even at night time I need some background noise. In silence I can think. Think clearly and think properly. And then I get sad.

If I am not regularly chatting, on emails, on Facebook or on my phone then I could be missing out. I don’t know what on- but that’s the point. Social anxiety is becoming more prevalent and my fear of rejection makes stopping a truly dangerous thing.

On top of this is the pressure to be perfect. Perfect people do not stop. They are busy all the time. Even when they are relaxing they are busy. They make relaxing look like a fine art, something that I strive to achieve. Massages, holidays, food and usually ‘nice’ things become a pressure to do right.

As a result I am always doing. Scared to stop for fear of failure. Failing to stopproperly, failing to complete the to do list. Failing to be included, failing to be perfect.

If I stop, then, with no paraphernalia of life surrounding me, I am just me. And that is the scariest thing of all.

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