Taboo is being challenged and people are starting to talk about miscarriage and other infant loss. (in my case an ectopic pregnancy)
But, the life of a child isn’t all you lose. (And I mean no flippancy with the use of the word all)
Here are just some of the things my pregnancy loss has taken from me.
I have none. Well, not for long. Every small moment of hope is dashed, each time it happens taking me just a little further down the path of hopelessness.
The me I was before. The me who knew I could do it. Now I doubt myself. About everything. Am I doing my job OK? Is my daughter OK? Is she happy? Do my friends like me? Do my colleagues respect me? Do my family love me? Is everyone laughing at me when I leave the room?
I’ve never had much. I now have none. With anything. My temper is short and I am irritated beyond measure by things that would have had no impact on me before.
Cycle after cycle my second child fails to come. I fail to make them.
I pride myself on how much I care. On how much I will do to make others happy and be there for them in their time of need.
Now I want to shake them. To tell them to get a grip. To tell them “at least your baby didn’t die.”
Time I could be enjoying. Time I could be celebrating. Time I could be living.
Instead this time is pent counting days. Marking calendars and measuring signs.
And the worst thing I’ve lost? The thing that I had relied on staying with me? The thing I was not ready to let go of….?
Some friends just weren’t meant to be.
The ones that haven’t been there. Their lack of presence speaking louder than any action.
The ones that are pregnant. The ones whose baby would have been younger than mine.
The ones who, knowing what I am going through, do not think to speak to me sensitivly about their own pregnancy, but instead to drop it casually into conversation. “By the way, I think I’m pregnant”.
The ones who are sensitive. The ones who warn me first. Who say they “know it will be hard” for me. (although these friends I know will be there when I am ready again. These friends rock!!)
The ones trying to conceive. The ones who, at any moment, could drop the B-bomb on me and stop my heart.
I can face none of them.